Best moments from the PJO series
by Zero Dark Thirty
Summary: I have decided to try to make a few "best moments" under one name
1. Chapter 1

**This one could take awhile. Percy is in all the books and has a list of great quotes a mile long, but I'll do my best.**

Grover was sniffing the wind, looking nervous. He fished out his acorns and threw them into the sand, then played his pipes. They rearranged themselves in a pattern that made no sense to me, but Grover looked concerned.  
"That's us," he said. "Those five nuts right there."  
"Which one is me?" I asked.  
"The little deformed one," Zoe suggested.  
"Oh, shut up.

* * *

The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that's not important."  
"It was probably important to her."

* * *

I nodded, looking at Rachel with respect. "You hit the Lord of the Titans in the eye with a blue plastic hairbrush.

* * *

Dreams like a podcast,  
Downloading truth in my ears.  
They tell me cool stuff."  
"Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.  
He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred."  
"A god named Fred?

* * *

Can you surf really well, then?"  
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.  
"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."  
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)

* * *

God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!

Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!

* * *

Hades raised an eyebrow. When he sat forward in his throne, shadowy faces appeared in the folds of his black robes, faces of torment,as if the garment was stitched of trapped souls from the Fields of Punishment, trying to get out. The ADHD part of me wondered, off-task, whether the rest of his clothes were made the same way. What horrible things would you have to do in your life to get woven into Hades' underwear?

* * *

Why can't you place a blessing like that on us?" I asked.

"It only works on wild animals."

"So it would only affect Percy," Annabeth reasoned.

"Hey!" I protested.

* * *

Now, come over here so I can pat you down."  
"But you don't have-" Percy stopped. "Uh, sure."  
He stood next to the armless statue. Terminus conducted a rigorous mental pat down.  
"You seem to be clean," Terminus decided. "Do you have anything to declare?"  
"Yes," Percy said. "I declare that this is stupid.

* * *

Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. "That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn-there he is.

* * *

Behold!" Percy shouted. "The god's chosen beverage. Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!

* * *

Monkey bar," Annabeth said. "I'm great at these." She leaped onto to the first rung and start swinging her way across. She was scared of tiny spiders, but not of plummeting to her death from a set of monkey bars. Go figure.

* * *

It's him," I said. "Typhon."  
I was seriously hoping Chiron would say something good, like 'No, that's our huge friend Leroy! He's going to help us!

* * *

You weren't able to talk sense into him?"  
Well, we kind of tried to kill each other in a duel to the death."  
I see. You tried the diplomatic approach.

* * *

I turned to Dionysus. "You cured him?"  
"Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple."  
"But...you did something nice. Why?"  
He raised and eyebrow. "I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven't you noticed?

* * *

Two hundred Romans, and no one's got a pen? Never mind!"

He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write.

Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form?

Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up.

* * *

Hoover Dam," Thalia said. "It's huge."  
We stood at the river's edge, looking up at a curve of concrete that loomed between the cliffs. People were walking along the top of the dam. They were so tiny they looked like fleas.  
The naiads had left with a lot of grumbling—not in words I could understand, but it was obvious they hated this dam blocking up their nice river. Our canoes floated back downstream, swirling in the wake from the dam's discharge vents.  
"Seven hundred feet tall," I said. "Built in the 1930s."  
"Five million cubic acres of water," Thalia said.  
Graver sighed. "Largest construction project in the United States."  
Zoe stared at us. "How do you know all that?"  
"Annabeth," I said. "She liked architecture."  
"She was nuts about monuments," Thalia said.  
"Spouted facts all the time." Grover sniffled. "So annoying."  
"I wish she were here," I said.

* * *

We need music," Nico said. "How's your singing?"  
"Um, no. Can't you just, like, tell it to open? You're the son of Hades and all."  
"It's not so easy. We need music."  
I was pretty sure if I tried to sing, all I would cause was an avalanche.

* * *

Save yourselves!" Percy warned. "It is too late for us!"  
Then he gasped and pointed to the spot where Frank was hiding. "Oh, no! Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!"  
Nothing happened.  
"I said," Percy repeated, "Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!"  
Frank stumbled out of nowhere, making a big show of grabbing his throat. "Oh, no," he said, like he was reading from a teleprompter. "I am turning into a crazy dolphin."  
He began to change, his nose elongating into a snout, his skin becoming sleek and gray. He fell to the deck as a dolphin, his tail thumping against the boards.  
The pirate crew disbanded in terror.

* * *

Grover murmured, "Well, Percy, what have we learned today?"  
That three-headed dogs prefer red rubber balls over sticks?"  
No," Grover told me. "We've learned that your plans really, really bite! 


	2. Chapter 2 of Percy's best moments

Legion, cuneum formate!' Reyna yelled. 'Advance!' Another cheer on Jason's right as Percy and Annabeth reunited with the forces of Camp Half-Blood.

'Greeks!' Percy yelled. 'Let's, um, fight stuff!' They yelled like banshees and charged.

Jason grinned. He loved the Greeks. They had no organization whatsoever, but they made up for it with enthusiasm.

* * *

You speak horse?" Hazel asked.  
"Speaking to horses is a Poseidon thing," Percy said. "Uh, I mean a Neptune thing."  
"Then you and Arion should get along fine," Hazel said. "He's a son of Neptune too."  
Percy turned pale. "Excuse me?

* * *

Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."  
The horse nickered.  
"Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.  
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action.

"What does Blackjack want?" she asked.  
"Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts.

* * *

You sneaked into my cabin?"  
Annabeth rolled her eyes. "Percy, you'll be seventeen in two months. You can't seriously be worried about getting in trouble with Coach Hedge."  
"Uh, have you seen his baseball bat?"  
"Besides, Seaweed Brain, I just thought we could take a walk. We haven't had any time to be together alone. I want to show you something—my favorite place aboard the ship."  
Percy's pulse was still in overdrive, but it wasn't from fear of getting in trouble. "Can I, you know, brush my teeth first?"  
"You'd better," Annabeth said. "Because I'm not kissing you until you do. And brush your hair while you're at it.

* * *

The older lady harrumphed. "I warned you, daughter. This scoundrel Hades is no good. You could've married the god of doctors or the god of lawyers, but noooo. You had to eat the pomegranate."  
"Mother-"  
"And get stuck in the Underworld!"  
"Mother, please-"  
"And here it is August, and do you come home like you're supposed to? Do you ever think about your poor lonely mother?"  
"DEMETER!" Hades shouted. "That is enough. You are a guest in my house."  
"Oh, a house is it?" she said. "You call this dump a house? Make my daughter live in this dark, damp-"  
"I told you," Hades said, grinding his teeth, "there's a war in the world above. You and Persephone are better off here with me."  
"Excuse me," I broke in. "But if you're going to kill me, could you just get on with it?

* * *

Tyson, Frank is a descendant of Poseidon."  
"Brother!" Tyson crushed Frank in a hug.  
Percy stifled a laugh. "Actually he's more like a great-great-...Oh, never mind. Yeah, he's your brother."  
"Thanks." Frank mumbled through a mouthful of flannel.

* * *

Percy tried to remember. He really did. For some reason, Annabeth and he had visited a spa and decided to destroy it. He couldn't imagine why. Maybe they hadn't like the deep-tissue massage? Maybe they'd gotten bad manicures?

* * *

The main courtyard was filled with warriors - mermen with fish tails from the waist down and human bodies from the waist up, except their skin was blue, which I'd never known were tending the wounded. Some were sharpening spears and swords. One passed us, swimming in a hurry. His eyes were bright green, like that stuff they put in glo-sticks, and his teeth were shark teeth. They don't show you stuff like that in "The Little Mermaid.

* * *

They all ordered massive plates of eggs, pancakes, and reindeer sausage, though Frank looked a little worried about the reindeer. "You think it's okay that we're eating Rudolph?"

"Dude," Percy said, "I could eat Prancer and Blitzen, too. I'm hungry.

* * *

What if we promoted, like, Adidas shoes?' Percy wondered. 'Would that make Nike mad enough to show up?" Leo smiled nervously. Maybe he and Percy did share something else – a stupid sense of humour. "Yeah, I bet that would totally be against her sponsorship deal. THOSE ARE NOT THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF THE OLYMPICS! YOU WILL DIE NOW!

* * *

Naturally, Coach Hedge went ballistic; but Percy found it hard to take the satyr seriously since he was barely five feet tall.  
"Never in my life!" Coach bellowed, waving his bat and knocking over a plate of apples. "Against the rules! Irresponsible!"  
"Coach," Annabeth said, "it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep."  
"Besides," Percy said, "you're starting to sound like Terminus."  
Hedge narrowed his eyes. "Is that an insult, Jackson? 'Cause I'll—I'll terminus you, buddy!

* * *

I couldn't miss Percy's fifteenth birthday," Poseidon said. "Why, if this were Sparta, Percy would be a man today!"

"That's true," Paul said. "I used to teach ancient history."

Poseidon's eyes twinkled. "That's me. Ancient history.

* * *

Good fighting with you, Seaweed Brain."  
Ditto.

* * *

Piper Rushed to get dressed. By the time she got up on deck, the others had already gathered—all hastily dressed except for Coach Hedge, who had pulled the night watch.  
Frank's Vancouver Winter Olympics shirt was inside out. Percy wore pajama pants and a bronze breastplate, which was an interesting fashion statement. Hazel's hair was all blown to one side as though she'd walked through a cyclone; and Leo had accidentally set himself on fire. His T-shirt was in charred tatters. His arms were smoking.

* * *

Hmm…" Jason snapped his fingers. "I can call a friend for a ride."  
Percy raised his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first.

* * *

I held out a lead figurine of Hades—the little Mythomagic statue Nico had abandoned when he fled camp last winter.  
Nico hesitated. "I don't play that game anymore. It's for kids."  
"It's got four thousand attack power," I coaxed.  
"Five thousand," Nico corrected. "But only if your opponent attacks first."  
I smiled. "Maybe it's okay to still be a kid once in a while.


	3. Chapter 3

PBM part 3

Headache!" Zeus bellowed. "Bad. bad headache!"  
As if to prove his point, the lord of the universe slammed his face into his pancakes, which demolished the pancakes and the plate and put a crack in the table, but did nothing for his headache.  
"Aspirin?" Apollo suggested. (he was the god of healing)  
"Nice cup of tea?" Hestia suggested  
"I could split your skull open," offered Hephaestus, the blacksmith god  
"Hephaestus!" Hera cried. "Don't talk to your father that way!"  
"What?" Hephaestus demanded "Clearly he's got a problem in there. I could open up the hood and take a look. Might relieve the pressure. Besides, he's immortal. It won't kill him

* * *

Seriously, who curses you with their dying breath and says, I hope your eye twitches!

* * *

The crew gathered for a hurried meeting on the foredeck – mostly because Percy was keeping an eye on a giant red sea serpent swimming off the port side. 'That thing is really red,' Percy muttered. 'I wonder if it's cherry-flavoured.'

'Why don't you swim over and find out?' Annabeth asked.

'How about no.

* * *

Percy hefted a bronze grenade. 'I hope you labelled these right.'  
He yelled, 'Die, Romans!' and lobbed the grenade over the wall.

* * *

We heard the army before we saw it.  
The noise was like a cannon barrage combined with a football stadium crowd- like every Patriots fan in New England was charging us with bazookas.

* * *

If my mom told one more story about how cute I looked in the bathtub when I was three years old I was going to burrow into the snow and freeze myself to death.

* * *

Percy grunted. 'Probably something to do with that creep Octavian. Maybe he was so bad at telling the future that he broke Apollo's powers.

* * *

Please, Percy...change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric hor

se.

* * *

It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-"  
"You invented the internet?"  
It was my idea, Martha said.

Rats are delicious, George said.  
"It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point.

* * *

Oh, come on!' Percy complained. 'I get a little nosebleed and I wake up the entire earth? That's not fair!

* * *

I looked down at my clothes. They were slashed to pieces and full of bullet holes, but I was fine. Not a mark on me.  
Nico's mouth hung open. "You just . . . with a sword . . . you just—"  
"I think the river thing worked," I said.  
"Oh gee," he said sarcastically. "You think?

* * *

Since Percy'd lost his memory,his whole life was one big fillin-the-blank. He was_, from_. He felt like  
_, and if the monsters  
caught him, he'd be_.

* * *

The wood nymph instructors left me in the dust. They told me not to worry about it. They'd had centuries of practice running away from lovesick gods. But still, it was a little humiliating to be slower than a tree.

* * *

Down in the water, Octavian yelled, "Get me out of here! I'll kill you!"  
"Tempting," Percy called down.

* * *

Percy!" he bellowed. He dropped his broom and ran at me. If you've never been charged by an enthusiastic Cyclops wearing a flowered apron and rubber cleaning gloves, I'm telling you, it'll wake you up quick.

* * *

Percy: The Heka-what?  
Annabeth: The Hundred-Handed Ones. They called them that because... well, they had a hundred hands. They were the elder brothers of the Cyclopes.  
Tyson: Very powerful. Wonderful! As tall as the sky. So strong they can break mountains!  
Percy: Cool. Unless you're a mountain.

* * *

So…these Pillars of Hercules. Are they dangerous?"  
Annabeth stayed focused on the cliffs. "For Greeks, the pillars marked the end of the known world. The Romans said the pillars were inscribed with a Latin warning—"  
"Non plus ultra," Percy said.  
Annabeth looked stunned. "Yeah. Nothing Further Beyond. How did you know?"  
Percy pointed. "Because I'm looking at it.

* * *

Aretmis gripped her bow. "Let us pray I am wrong."

* * *

Can goddesses pray?

* * *

As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.  
I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.  
Hi, I told him. I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?  
Yes! The horse said. Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!  
But I'm Poseidon's son, I protested. He created horses.  
Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.  
Yes! The horse agreed enthusiastically. Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood!  
Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.

* * *

Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.

* * *

Percy blinked. "So your brother is a winged horse. But you're also my half brother, which means all the flying horses in the world are my…You know what? Lets' forget it.

* * *

Thalia had been turned into a pine tree when she was 12. Me... well, i was doing my best not to follow her example. I had nightmares about what Poseidon might turn me into if i were ever in the verge of death—plankton, maybe. Or a floating patch of kelp.

* * *

Oh, by the way…" Jason glanced at Percy. "I resigned my office, gave Frank a field promotion to praetor. Unless you want to contest that ruling."

Percy grinned. "No argument here."

"Praetor?" Hazel stared at Frank.

He shrugged uncomfortably. "Well… yeah. I know it seems weird." She tried to throw her arms around him, then winced as she remembered her busted ribs. She settled for kissing him. "It seems perfect."

Leo clapped Frank on the shoulder. "Way to go, Zhang. Now you can order Octavian to fall on his sword.

* * *

I turned and found Dionysus standing there, still in his black suit.  
Walk with me," he said.  
Where to?" I asked suspiciously.  
Just to the campfire," he said. "I was beginning to feel better, so I  
thought I would talk with you a bit. You always manage to annoy me."  
Uh, thanks?

* * *

Christmas in the Underworld was NOT my idea.  
If I'd known what was coming, I would've called in sick. I could've avoided an army of demons, a fight with a Titan, and a trick that almost got my friends and me cast into eternal darkness.  
But no, I had to take my stupid English exam.

* * *

Meat!" he said scornfully. "I'm a vegetarian."

You eat cheese enchiladas and aluminum cans," I reminded him.

Those are vegetables.

* * *

Mr. D, wearing his leopard-skin jogging suit and rummaging through the refrigerator.  
He looked up lazily. "Do you mind?"  
Where's Chiron!" I shouted.  
How rude." Mr. D took a swig from a jug of grape juice. "Is that how you say hello?"  
Hello," I amended. "We're about to die! Where's Chiron?

* * *

Hephaestus glowered up at us. "I didn't make you, did I?"

Uh," Annabeth said, "no, sir."

Good," the god grumbled. "Shoddy workmanship.

* * *

Elections only happen in two ways," Reyna said. "Either the legion raises someone on a shield after a major success on the battlefield-and we haven't had any major battles-or we hold a ballot on the evening of June 24, at the Feast of Fortuna. That's in five days."  
Percy frowned. "You have a feast for tuna?

* * *

I looked at Thalia. "You're afraid of heights."

Now that we were safely down the mountain, her eyes had their usual angry look. "Don't be stupid."

That explains why you freaked out on Apollo's bus. Why you didn't want to talk about it."

She took a deep breath. Then she brushed the pine needles out of her hair. "If you tell anyone, I swear—"

No, no," I said. "That's cool. It's just… the daughter of Zeus, the Lord of the Sky, afraid of heights?

* * *

Hermes smiled. "I knew a boy once ... oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, really."  
Here we go again, George said. Always talking about himself.  
Quiet! Martha snapped. Do you want to get set on vibrate?  
Hermes ignored them. "One night, when this boy's mother wasn't watching, he sneaked out of their cave and stole some cattle that belonged to Apollo."  
"Did he get blasted to tiny pieces?" I asked.  
"Hmm ... no. Actually, everything turned out quite well. To make up for his theft, the boy gave Apollo an instrument he'd invented-a lyre. Apollo was so enchanted with the music that he forgot all about being angry."  
So what's the moral?"  
"The moral?" Hermes asked. "Goodness, you act like it's a fable. It's a true story. Does truth have a moral?"  
"Um ..."  
"How about this: stealing is not always bad?"  
"I don't think my mom would like that moral."  
Rats are delicious, suggested George.  
What does that have to do with the story? Martha demanded.  
Nothing, George said. But I'm hungry.  
"I've got it," Hermes said. "Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment. How's that?

* * *

Different elevator music was playing since my last visit-that old disco song "Stayin' Alive." A terrifying image flashed through my mind of Apollo in bell-bottom pants and a slinky silk shirt.

* * *

A telkhine was hunched over a console, but he was so involved with his work, he didn't notice us. He was about five feet tall, with slick black seal fur and stubby little feet. He had the head of a Doberman, but his clawed hands were almost human. He growled and muttered as he tapped on his keyboard. Maybe he was messaging his friends on .

* * *

Grover Underwood of the satyrs!" Dionysus called.  
Grover came forward nervously.  
"Oh, stop chewing your shirt," Dionysus chided. "Honestly, I'm not going to blast you. For your bravery and sacrifice, blah, blah, blah, and since we have an unfortunate vacancy, the gods have seen fit to name you a member of the Council of Cloven Elders."  
Grover collapsed on the spot.  
"Oh, wonderful," Dionysus sighed, as several naiads came forward to help Grover. "Well, when he wakes up, someone tell him that he will no longer be an outcast, and that all satyrs, naiads, and other spirits of nature will henceforth treat him as a lord of the Wild, with all rights, privileges, and honors, blah, blah, blah. Now please, drag him off before he wakes up and starts groveling."  
"FOOOOOD," Grover moaned, as the nature spirits carried him away.  
I figured he'd be okay. He would wake up as a lord of the Wild with a bunch of beautiful naiads taking care of him. Life could be worse.

* * *

Percy," Apollo said, "I wouldn't worry too much. The last Great Prophecy about you took almost seventy years to complete. This one may not even happen in your lifetime."  
I thought about the lines Rachel had spoken in that creepy voice: about storm and fire and the Doors of Death. "Maybe," I said, "but it didn't sound so good."  
"No," said Apollo cheerfully. "It certainly didn't. She's going to make a wonderful Oracle!

* * *

I will deny I ever said this, of course, but the gods need heroes. They always have. Otherwise we would not keep you annoying little brats around."

I feel so wanted. Thanks.

* * *

But who are you?"

Percy—" I started to say. Then the skeletons turned around. "Gotta go!"

What kind of name is Percy Gotta-go?

* * *

Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters."  
Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs."  
She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs.  
"These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations."  
"All natural!" Fleecy chimed in.  
"I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.

* * *

Nereus spun and expanded, turning into a killer whale, but I grabbed his dorsal fin as he burst out of the water.  
A whole bunch of tourists went, "Whoa!"  
I managed to wave at the crowd. Yeah, we do this every day here in San Francisco.

* * *

You do know how to play pinochle?" Mr. D eyed me suspiciously.  
"I'm afraid not," I said.  
"I'm afraid not, sir," he said.  
"Well," he told me, "it is, along with gladiator fighting and Pac-Man, one of the greatest games ever invented by humans. I would expect all civilized young men to know the rules.

* * *

Fish gathered to look at us - a school of baracudas, some curious marines. SCRAM! I told them. They swam off, but I could tell they went reluctantly. I swear I understood their intencions. They were about to start rumors flighing around the sea about the son of poseidon and some girl at the bottom of Siren Bay.

* * *

But how did you know where we were?" Annabeth asked.

Advanced planning, my dear. I figured you would wash up near Miami if you made it out of the Sea of Monsters alive. Almost everything strange washes up near Miami.

* * *

The god of wine looked around at the assembled crowd. "Miss me?"

The satyrs fell over themselves nodding and bowing. "Oh, yes, very much, sire!"

"Well, I did not miss this place!" Dionysus snapped. "I bear bad news, my friends. Evil news. The minor gods are changing sides. Morpheus has gone over to the enemy. Hecate, Janus, and Nemesis, as well. Zeus knows how many more."

Thunder rumbled in the distance.

"Strike that," Dionysus said. "Even Zeus doesn't know.

* * *

George unhinged his jaw and coughed up a little plastic bottle filled with chewable vitamins.

"You're kidding," I said. "Are those Minotaur-shaped?"

Hermes picked up the bottle and rattled it. "The lemon ones, yes. The grape ones are Furies, I think. Or are they hydras? At any rate, these are potent."

* * *

Is Tyson okay?" I asked.  
The question seemed to take my dad by surprise. He's fine. Doing much better than I expected. Though "peanut butter" is a strange battle cry.  
"You let him fight?"  
Stop changing the subject! You realize what you are asking me to do? My palace will be destroyed.  
"And Olympus might be saved."  
Do you have any idea how long I've worked on remodeling this palace? The game room alone took six hundred years.  
"Dad—"  
Very well! It shall be as you say. But my son, pray this works.  
"I am praying. I'm talking to you, right?"  
Oh . . . yes. Good point.

* * *

Have you any idea how much my kingdom has swollen in this past century alone, how many subdivisions I've had to open?"

I opened my mouth to respond, but Hades was on a roll now.

More security ghouls," he moaned. "Traffic problems at the judgment pavilion. Double overtime for the staff. I used to be a rich god, Percy Jackson. I control all the precious metals under the earth. But my expenses!"

Charon wants a pay raise," I blurted, just remembering the fact. As soon as I said it, I wished I could sew up my mouth.

Don't get me started on Charon!" Hades yelled. "He's been impossible ever since he discovered Italian suits! Problems everywhere, and I've got to handle all of them personally. The commute time alone from the palace to the gates is enough to drive me insane! And the dead just keep arriving. No, godling. I need no help getting subjects! I did not ask for this war.

* * *

The ruins stretch from the river to the base of that mountain over there, about half a kilometre.'  
'How far is that in regular measurements?' Percy asked.  
Frank rolled his eyes. 'That is a regular measurement in Canada and the rest of the world. Only you Americans –'  
'About five or six football fields,' Hazel interceded, feeding Arion a big chunk of gold.  
Percy spread his hands. 'That's all you needed to say.

* * *

Laistry...I can't even say that. What would you call them in English?"  
"Canadians.

* * *

I am Persephone" she said, her voice thin and papery. "Welcome, demigods.  
Nico squashed a pomegranate under his boot. "Welcome? After last time, you've got the nerve to welcome me?"  
I shifted uneasily, because talking that way to a god can get you blasted into dust bunnies. "Um, Nico-"  
"It's all right," Persephone said coldly. "We had a little family spat."  
"Family spat?" Nico cried. "You turned me into a dandelion!

* * *

Hermes's eyes twinkled. "Martha, may I have the first package, please?"  
Martha opened her mouth ... and kept opening it until it was as wide as my arm. She belched out a stainless steel canister-an old-fashioned lunch box thermos with a black plastic top. The sides of the thermos were enameled with red and yellow Ancient Greek scenes-a hero killing a lion; a hero lifting up Cerberus, the three-headed dog.  
"That's Hercules," I said. "But how-"  
"Never question a gift," Hermes chided. "This is a collector's item from Hercules Busts Heads. The first season."  
"Hercules Busts Heads?"  
"Great show." Hermes sighed. "Back before Hephaestus-TV was all reality programming. Of course, the thermos would be worth much more if I had the whole lunch box-

* * *

With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later

* * *

Now, if you have never been hit by a flying burrito, count yourself lucky. In terms of deadly projectiles, it's right up there with grenades and cannonballs.

* * *

But Annabeth just smiled and put us in jail. As she was heading back to the front line, she turned and winked.  
"See you at the fireworks?"  
She didn't even wait for my answer before darting off into the woods.  
I looked at Beckendorf. "Did she just...ask me out?"  
He shrugged, completely disgusted. "Who knows with girls? Give me a haywire dragon, any day."  
So we sat together and waited while the girls won the game.

* * *

Poseidon grinned. "You're doing well with those new cabins, by the way. I suppose this means I can claim all those other sons and daughters of mine and send you some siblings next summer."  
"Ha-ha."  
Poseidon reeled in his empty line.  
I shifted my feet. "Um, you were kidding, right?"  
Poseidon gave me one of his inside-joke winks, and I still didn't know whether he was serious or not.

* * *

What-what do you want?" Annabeth asked, trying to maintain a tone of confidence.  
The voice cackled maliciously.  
'To curse you, of course! To destroy you thousand times in the name of Mother Night!'  
"Only a thousand times?" Percy murmured. "Oh, good...I thought we were in trouble.

* * *

I slashed a wide arc with Riptide and vaporized the entire front row of monsters.  
Back off!" I yelled at the rest, trying to sound fierce. Behind them stood their instructor—a six-foot-tall telekhine with Doberman fangs snarling at me. I did my best to stare him down.  
New lesson, class," I announced. "Most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword. This change is perfectly normal, and will happen to you right now if you don't BACK OFF!

* * *

Tell me when it's over " Thalia said. Her eyes were shut tight. The statue was holding on to us so we couldn't fall but still Thalia clutched his arm like it was the most important thing in the world.  
"Everything's fine " I promised.  
"Are... are we very high "  
I looked down. Below us a range of snowy mountains zipped by. I stretched out my foot and kicked snow off one of the peaks.  
"Nah " I said. "Not that high.

* * *

I sat up in bed. "What did he say?"  
Tyson groaned, still half asleep. He was lying facedown on the couch, his feet so far over the edge they were in the bathroom. "The happy man said...bowling practice?"  
I hoped he was right, but then there was an urgent knock on the suite's interior door.  
Annabeth stuck her head in-her blonde hair in a rat's nest. "DISEMBOWLING practice?

* * *

The wine god sighed. 'Oh Hades if I know. But remember, boy, that a kind act can sometimes be as powerful as a sword. As a mortal, I was never a great fighter or athlete or poet. I only made wine. The people in my village laughed at me. They said I would never amount to anything. Look at me now. Sometimes small things can become very large indeed.' He left me alone to think about that. And as I watched Clarisse and Chris singing a stupid campfire song together, holding hands in the darkness, where they thought nobody could see them, I had to smile. 


	4. Chapter 4 Leo

**Chapter 4, Leo**

Leo is one of my favorite characters in HOO. Why? Because at any time he can make a completely hilarious yet enlightening comment. I collected the best quotes and moments from the Supreme Mcshizzle himself, Leo Valdez. Just so you didn't have to.

I try not to think. It interferes with being nuts" - Leo Valdez

* * *

Leo: Rainbows. Very macho.

Annabeth: Butch is our best equestrian, he gets along great with the pegasi.  
Leo: Rainbows, ponies...  
Butch: I'm gonna toss you off this chariot.

* * *

Gaea?" Leo shook his head. "Isn't that Mother Nature? She's supposed to have, like, flowers in her hair and birds singing around her and dear and rabbits doing her laundry."

"Leo, that's Snow White," Piper said.

* * *

He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…

"Okay," Frank relented. "Sure." He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. "Uh, how do you—"

Leo chuckled. "Man, you've never seen those before? There's a simple trick to getting out."  
Frank tugged again with no luck.

Even Hazel was trying not to laugh.  
Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he'd been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs.  
"Well done, Frank Zhang," Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. "That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.

* * *

Correct." Kekrops sounded bitter, like he regretted his decision. "My people were the original Athenians-the gemini."

"Like your zodiac sign?" Percy asked. "I'm a Leo."  
"No, stupid," Leo said. "I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.

* * *

Survive first. Figure out crayon drawing of destiny later.

* * *

Leo: "So...giants who can throw mountains. Friendly wolves that will eat us if we show weakness. Evil espresso drinks. Gotcha. Maybe this isn't the best time to bring up my psycho babysitter."

Piper: "Is that another joke?

* * *

Aphros nodded, a glint of pride in his eyes. "We have trained all the famous mer-heroes! Name a famous mer-hero, and we have trained him or her!"  
"Oh, sure," Leo said. "Like…um, the Little Mermaid?"  
Aphros frowned. "Who? No! Like Triton, Glaucus, Weissmuller, and Bill!"  
"Oh. "Leo had no idea who any of those people were. "You trained Bill? Impressive.

* * *

Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy?  
"I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you."  
"Lord of the Universe?" (Jason)  
"Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo)  
"Shut up, Valdez." (Jason)  
Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you."  
"I apologize for apologizing." (Jason)  
"Thank you." He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry.

* * *

Jason faltered when he looked at Leo, who was mimicking taking notes with an air pencil.  
"Go on, Professor Grace!" he said, wide-eyed. "I wanna get an A on the test.

* * *

Leo drummed his fingers. "Great. I should have installed a smoke screen that makes the ship smell like a giant chicken nugget. Remind me to invent that, next time."  
Hazel frowned. "What is a chicken nugget?"  
"Oh, man…" Leo shook his head in amazement. "That's right. You've missed the last, like, seventy years. Well, my apprentice, a chicken nugget—"  
"Doesn't matter," Annabeth interrupted.

* * *

You're that lady," Leo said. "The one who was named after Caribbean music."  
Her eyes glinted murderously. "Caribbean music."  
"Yeah. Reggae?" Leo shook his head. "Merengue? Hold on, I'll get it."  
He snapped his fingers. "Calypso!

* * *

The first time Calypso came to check on Leo it was to complain about the noise.  
"Smoke and fire," she said. "Clanging on metal all day long. You're scaring away the birds!"  
"Oh, no, not the birds!

* * *

I figure the world is basically a machine. I don't know who made it, if it was the Fates, or the gods, or the capital-G god or whatever. But it chugs along the way it's supposed to most of the time. Sure, little pieces break off and stuff goes haywire once in a while, but mostly... things happen for a reason.

* * *

The eidolons started pounding on the door.  
'Who is it?' Leo called.  
'Valdez!'  
'Valdez who?

* * *

Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. "Narcissus is a loser! He's so weak, he can't bench-press a Kleenex. He's so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it's got a picture of Narcissus—only the picture's so ugly, no one ever checks it out.

* * *

Will they cower?' Kym asked.

'Tons of cowering! Plus your name in the summer programme. A custom-designed banner. A cabin at Camp Half-Blood. Two shrines. I'll even throw in a Kymopoleia action figure.'

'No!' Polybotes wailed. 'Not merchandising rights!

* * *

Leo's voice boomed over the loudspeaker: 'SURRENDER! YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY ONE SPANKING HOT WAR MACHINE!'  
The giant Enceladus howled in outrage. 'Valdez!'  
'WHAT'S UP, ENCHILADAS?' Leo's voice roared back. 'NICE DAGGER IN YOUR FOREHEAD.'  
'GAH!' The giant pulled Katoptris out of his head. 'Monsters: destroy that ship!

* * *

This is the Valdezinator, of course!' He puffed out his chest. 'It works by, um, translating your feelings into music as you manipulate the gears. It's really meant for me, a child of Hephaestus, to use, though. I don't know if you could –'

'I am the god of music!' Apollo cried. 'I can certainly master the Valdezinator. I must! It is my duty!

* * *

The way Leo figured it, he spent more time crashing than he did flying. If there was a rewards card for frequent crashers, he'd be, like, double platinum level.

* * *

If the statue engulfs people in fire, we should send Leo.'  
'I love you too, man.'  
'You know what I mean. You're immune. Or, heck, give me some of those nice water grenades and I'll go. Ares and I have tangled before.

* * *

One basketball to rule them All.

* * *

At the end of the hall stood a walnut door with a bronze plaque:

ASCLEPIUS

MD, DMD, DME, DC, DVS, FAAN, OMG, EMT, TTYL, FRCP, ME, IOU, OD, OT, PHARMD, BAMF, RN, PHD, INC., SMH

There may have been more acronyms in the list, but by that point Leo's brain had exploded.

* * *

We've all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I'm tragically funny and good-looking.

* * *

When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war."  
"Mussolini?" Leo frowned. "Wasn't he like BFFs with Hitler?

* * *

Leo smiled nervously. Maybe he and Percy did share something else – a stupid sense of humour.  
'Yeah, I bet that would totally be against her sponsorship deal. THOSE ARE NOT THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF THE OLYMPICS! YOU WILL DIE NOW!'  
Hazel rolled her eyes. 'You're both impossible.'  
Behind Leo, a thunderous voice shook the ruins: 'YOU WILL DIE NOW!

* * *

Leo had recently discovered how to change the display, like the Times Square JumboTron,so now the banner read: Merry Christmas! All your presents belong to Leo!

* * *

Akmon squealed with delight. "I knew you were as smart as Hercules! I will call you Black Bottom, the Sequel!

* * *

A tinkerer," snapped Pasiphaë. "Even worse. I knew Daedalus. His inventions brought me nothing but trouble."

Leo blinked. "Daedalus…like, the Daedalus? Well, then, you should know all about us tinkerers. We're more into fixing, building, occasionally sticking wads of oilcloth in the mouths of rude ladies—

* * *

Leo didn't usually think of the ukulele as a sad instrument. (Pathetic, sure. But not sad.) Yet the tune Apollo strummed was so melancholy it broke Leo's feelings.

* * *

Sure, they only had ten days to stop the giants from waking Gaia. Sure, he could die before dinnertime. But he loved being told that something was impossible. It was like someone handing him a lemon meringue pie and telling him not to throw it. He just couldn't resist the challenge.

* * *

Never mind," Leo said. "I'm pretty sure pi is, uh, 3.1415 blah blah blah. The number goes on forever, but the sphere has only five rings, so that should be enough, if I'm right."  
"And if you're not?" Frank asked.  
"Well, then, Leo fall down, go boom. Let's find out!

* * *

So, a crash course for the amnesiac," Leo said, in a helpful tone that made Jason think this was not going to be helpful. "We go to the 'Wilderness School'"—Leo made air quotes with his fingers. "Which means we're 'bad kids.' Your family, or the court, or whoever, decided you were too much trouble, so they shipped you off to this lovely prison—sorry, 'boarding school'—in Armpit, Nevada, where you learn valuable nature skills like running ten miles a day through the cacti and weaving daisies into hats! And for a special treat we go on 'educational' field trips with Coach Hedge, who keeps order with a baseball bat.

* * *

Annabeth gripped the hilt of her dagger. "A bounty on our heads . . . as if we didn't attract enough monsters already."  
"Do we get WANTED posters?" Leo asked. "And do they have our bounties, like, broken down on a price list?"  
Hazel wrinkled her nose. "What are you talking about?"  
"Just wondering how much I'm going for these days," Leo said. "I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe . . . but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

* * *

Leo winked at Jason. "Watch this." He turned to the front .

"Sorry Coach! I was having trouble hearing you. Could you use your megaphone, please?"" Coach Hedge grunted like he was pleased to have an excuse. He unclipped the megaphone from his belt and continued giving directions, but his voice came out like Darth Vader's. The kids cracked up." The coach tried again, but this time the megaphone blared: "The cow says moo!"" The kids howled, and the coach slammed down the megaphone. "Valdez!"

Piper stifled a laugh. "My god, Leo. How did you do that?"

Leo slipped a tiny Phillips head screwdriver from his sleeve. "I'm a special boy.""

* * *

This is the Propylon." He waved toward a stone path lined with crumbling columns. "One of the main gates into the Olympic valley."  
"Rubble!" said Leo  
"And over there - " Frank pointed to a square foundation that looked like the patio for a Mexican restaurant - "is the Temple of Hera, one of the oldest structures here."  
"More rubble!" Leo said.  
"And that round bandstand-looking thing - that's the Philipeon, dedicated to Philip of Macedonia."  
"Even more rubble! First rate rubble!

* * *

Leo Valdez!" the spirit howled. "Open this gate or I will kill you!"  
"A fair and generous offer!" Leo said.

* * *

Ah, Senor Zhang," Leo said, "you know how you're always saying, 'Leo, you are the only true genius among demigods'?"  
"I'm pretty sure I never said that.

* * *

There's your problem," Leo announced.  
Jason scratched his head. "Uh... what are we looking at?"  
Leo thought it was pretty obvious, but Piper looked confused too.  
"Okay," Leo sighed, " you want the full explanation or the short explanation?"  
"Short," Piper and Jason said in unison.  
Leo gestured to the empty core. "The syncopator goes here. It's a multi-access gyro-valve to regulate flow. The doxen glass tubes on the outside? Those are filled with powerful,dangerous stuff. That glowing red one is Lemnos fire from my dad's forges. This murky stuff here? That's water from the River Styx. The stuff in the tubes is going to power the ship, right? Like radioactive rods in a nuclear reactor. But the mix ratio has to be controlled, and the timer is already operational... That means without the syncopator, this stuff is all going to vent into the chamber at the same time, in sixty-five minutes. At that point, we'll get a very nasty reaction."  
Jason and Piper stared at him. Leo wondered if he'd been speaking English. Sometimes when he was agitated he slipped into Spanish, like his mom used to do in her workshop. But he was pretty sure he'd used English.  
"Um..." Piper cleared her throat." Could you make the short explanation shorter?"  
Leo palm-smacked his forehead. "Fine. One hour. Fluids mix. Bunker goes ka-boom. One square mile of forest tuns into a smoking crater."  
"Oh," Piper said in a small voice. "Can't you just... turn it off?"  
"Gee, I didn't think of that!" Leo said. "Let me just hit this switch and - No, Piper. I can't turn it off."

* * *

He (Leo) forced his fists to unclench. "Look, lady, we're not going all Hunger Games on each other. Isn't going to happen." "But you will win a fabulous honor!" Nike reached into a basket at her side and produced a wreath of thick leaves and laurels. "This crown of leaves could be yours! You can wear it on your head! Think of the glory!

* * *

Why would you come to Italy to see Spanish steps? That's like going to China for Mexican food, isn't it?

* * *

The Romans move east from New York. They advance in your camp, and nothing can slow them down.  
"Nothing can slow them down," Leo mused. "I wonder..."  
"What?" Jason asked.  
Leo looked at the dwarfs. "I'll make you a deal."  
Akmon's eyes lit up. "Thirty percent?"  
"We'll leave you all the treasure," Leo said, "except the stuff that belongs to us, and the astrolabe, and this book, which we'll take back to the dude in Venice."  
"But he'll destroy us!" Passolos wailed.  
"We won't say where we got it," Leo promised. "And we won't kill you. We'll let you go free."  
"Uh, Leo...?" Jason asked nervously.  
Akmon squealed in delight. "I knew you were as smart at Hercules! I will call you Black Bottom, the Sequel!"  
"You, no thanks," Leo said. "But in return for us sparing your lives, you have to do something for us. I'm going to send you somewhere to steal from some people, harass them, make life hard for them any way you can. You have to follow my directions exactly. You have to swear on the River Styx."  
"We swear!" Passalos said. "Stealing from people is our specialty!"  
"I love harassment!" Akmon agreed. "Where are we going?"  
Leo grinned. "Ever heard of New York?

* * *

Hazel hissed in frustration. 'I hate eidolons. I thought Piper made them promise to stay away.'  
'Oh...' Frank said, like he'd just had his own daily happy thought. 'Piper made them promise to stay off the ship and not possess any of us. But if they followed us, and used other bodies to attack us, then they're not technically breaking their vow...'  
'Great,' Leo muttered. 'Eidolons who are also lawyers. Now I really want to kill them.

* * *

It's mechanical," Leo said. "Maybe a doorway to the dwarfs' secret lair?"  
"Ooooo!" shrieked a nearby voice. "Secret lair?"  
"I want a secret lair!" yelled another voice from above.

"If we had a secret lair," said Red Fur, "I would want a firehouse pole."  
"And a waterslide!" said Brown Fur, who was pulling random tools out of Leo's belt, tossing aside wrenches, hammers, and staple guns.  
"Stop that!" Leo tried to grab the dwarf's feet, but he couldn't reach the top of the pedestal.  
"Too short?" Brown Fur sympathized.  
"You're calling me short?" Leo looked around for something to throw, but there was nothing but pigeons, and he doubted he could catch one. "Give me my belt, you stupid-"  
"Now, now!" said Brown Fur. "We haven't even introduced ourselves. I'm Akmon, and my brother over there-"  
"-is the handsome one!" The red-furred dwarf lifted his espresso. Judging from his dilated eyes and maniacal grin, he didn't need any more caffeine. "Passolos! Singer of songs! Drinker of coffee! Stealer of shiny stuff!

* * *

"What does that mean? The Party Ponies?" Leo had never met Chiron's crazy centaur relatives, but he'd heard rumors of Nerf sword-fights, root beer-chugging contests, and Super Soakers filled with pressurized whipped cream.  
"Not sure," Annabeth said. "But I've got coordinates. Can you input latitude and longitude in this thing?"  
"I can input star charts and order you a smoothie, if you want. Of course I can do latitude and longitude!

* * *

"Hey!" said the guy in the video. "Greetings from your friends at Camp Half-Blood, et cetera. This is Leo. I'm the..." He looked off screen and yelled: "What's my title? Am I like admiral, or captain, or-"

A girl's voice yelled back, "Repair boy."

"Very funny, Piper," Leo grumbled. He turned back to the parchment screen. "So yeah, I'm...ah..supreme commander of the Argo II. Yeah, I like that! Anyway, we're gonna be sailing towards you in about, I dunno, an hour in this big mother warship. We'd appreciate it if you'd not, like, blow us out of the sky or anything. So okay! If you could tell the Romans that. See you soon. Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!"

 **A/N I have decided to post all best moment under one name, and will be taking down Leo's best moments soon.**


	5. Chapter 5 Mr D

**Chapter 5, Mr. D**

Mr. D best quotes(he has a surprising amount)

Are you suggesting that the gods have trouble acting together, young lady?" Dionysus asked.

Yes, Lord Dionysus."

Mr. D nodded. "Just checking. You're right, of course. Carry on.

* * *

I should throw you off this building minus the flying horse and see how heroic you sound on the way down.

* * *

And there, shimmering in the Mist right next to us, was the last person I wanted to see: Mr. D, wearing his leopard-skin jogging suit and rummaging through the refrigerator. He looked up lazily. "Do you mind?"

Where's Chiron!" I shouted.

How rude." Mr. D took a swig from a jug of grape juice. "Is that how you say hello?"

Hello," I amended. "We're about to die! Where's Chiron?

* * *

 _My point is you heroes never change. You accuse us gods of being vain. You should look at yourselves. You take what you want, use whoever you have to, and then you betray everyone around you. So you'll excuse me if I have no love for heroes. They are a selfish, ungrateful lot._ Mr. D

* * *

"Well, that's a shame," said a new voice.

To his right, another platform lowered from the ceiling. Leaning casually on a pinecone-topped staff was a man in a purple camp shirt, khaki shorts, and sandals with white socks. He raised his broad-brimmed hat, and purple fire flickered in his eyes. "I'd hate to think I made a special trip for nothing."

Percy had never thought of Mr. D as a calming influence, but suddenly everything got quiet. The machines ground to a halt. The wild animals stopped growling.

The two leopards paced over—still licking their lips from Piper's pot roast—and butted their heads affectionately against the god's legs. Mr. D scratched their ears.

"Really, Ephialtes," he chided. "Killing demigods is one thing. But using leopards for your spectacle? That's over the line."

The giant made a squeaking sound. "This—this is impossible. D-D—"

"It's Bacchus, actually, my old friend," said the god. "And of course it's possible. Someone told me there was a party going on."

He looked the same as he had in Kansas, but Percy still couldn't get over the differences between Bacchus and his old not-so-much-of-a-friend Mr. D.

Bacchus was meaner and leaner, with less of a potbelly. He had longer hair, more spring in his step, and a lot more anger in his eyes. He even managed to make a pinecone on a stick look intimidating.

Ephialtes's spear quivered. "You—you gods are doomed! Be gone, in the name of Gaea!"

"Hmm." Bacchus sounded unimpressed. He strolled through the ruined props, platforms, and special effects.

"Tacky." He waved his hand at a painted wooden gladiator, then turned to a machine that looked like an oversized rolling pin studded with knives. "Cheap. Boring. And this…" He inspected the rocket-launching contraption, which was still smoking. "Tacky, cheap, and boring. Honestly, Ephialtes. You have no sense of style."

"STYLE?" The giant's face flushed. "I have mountains of style. I define style. I—I—"

"My brother oozes style," Otis suggested.

"Thank you!" Ephialtes cried.

Bacchus stepped forward, and the giants stumbled back. "Have you two gotten shorter?" asked the god.

"Oh, that's low," Ephialtes growled. "I'm quite tall enough to destroy you, Bacchus! You gods, always hiding behind your mortal heroes, trusting the fate of Olympus to the likes of these."

He sneered at Percy.

Jason hefted his sword. "Lord Bacchus, are we going to kill these giants or what?"

"Well, I certainly hope so," Bacchus said. "Please, carry on."

Percy stared at him. "Didn't you come here to help?"

Bacchus shrugged. "Oh, I appreciated the sacrifice at sea. A whole ship full of Diet Coke. Very nice. Although I would've preferred Diet Pepsi."

"And six million in gold and jewels," Percy muttered.

"Yes," Bacchus said, "although with demigod parties of five or more the gratuity is included, so that wasn't necessary."

"What?"

"Never mind," Bacchus said. "At any rate, you got my attention. I'm here. Now I need to see if you're worthy of my help. Go ahead. Battle. If I'm impressed, I'll jump in for the grand finale."

"We speared one," Percy said. "Dropped the roof on the other. What do you consider impressive?"

"Ah, a good question…" Bacchus tapped his thyrsus. Then he smiled in a way that made Percy think, Uh-oh. "Perhaps you need inspiration! The stage hasn't been properly set. You call this a spectacle, Ephialtes? Let me show you how it's done."

* * *

God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!

Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!

* * *

I turned to Dionysus. "You cured him?"

"Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple."

"But...you did something nice. Why?"

He raised and eyebrow. "I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven't you noticed?

* * *

"This is a proper show!" boomed the voice of Bacchus. He sat in the emperor's box wearing purple robes and golden laurels. At his left sat Nico and Piper, her shoulder being tended by a nymph in a nurse's uniform. At Bacchus's right crouched a satyr, offering up Doritos and grapes. The god raised a can of Diet Pepsi and the crowd went respectfully quiet.

Percy glared up at him. "You're just going to sit there?"

"The demigod is right!" Ephialtes bellowed. "Fight us yourself, coward! Um, without the demigods."

Bacchus smiled lazily. "Juno says she's assembled a worthy crew of demigods. Show me. Entertain me, heroes of Olympus. Give me a reason to do more. Being a god has its privileges."

He popped his soda can top, and the crowd cheered.

* * *

Erre es korakas, Blinky!" Dionysus cursed. "I will have your soul!

* * *

And, whoa!" He turned to Mr.D. "Your the wine dude? No way!"

Mr.D turned his eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. "The wine dude?"

"Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!"

"My figurine."

"In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!"

"Ah." Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. "Well, that's...gratifying.

* * *

Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.

* * *

Grover Underwood of the satyrs!" Dionysus called.

Grover came forward nervously.

"Oh, stop chewing your shirt," Dionysus chided. "Honestly, I'm not going to blast you. For your bravery and sacrifice, blah, blah, blah, and since we have an unfortunate vacancy, the gods have seen fit to name you a member of the Council of Cloven Elders."

Grover collapsed on the spot.

"Oh, wonderful," Dionysus sighed, as several naiads came forward to help Grover. "Well, when he wakes up, someone tell him that he will no longer be an outcast, and that all satyrs, naiads, and other spirits of nature will henceforth treat him as a lord of the Wild, with all rights, privileges, and honors, blah, blah, blah. Now please, drag him off before he wakes up and starts groveling."

"FOOOOOD," Grover moaned, as the nature spirits carried him away.

I figured he'd be okay. He would wake up as a lord of the Wild with a bunch of beautiful naiads taking care of him. Life could be worse.

* * *

If I had my way," Dionysus said, "I would cause your molecules to erupt in flames. We'd sweep up the ashes and be done with a lot of trouble. But Chiron seems to feel this would be against my mission at this cursed camp: to keep you little brats safe from harm." "Spontaneous combustion is a form of harm, Mr. D," Chiron put in. "Nonsense," Dionysus said. "Boy wouldn't feel a thing. Nevertheless, I've agreed to restrain myself. I'm thinking of turning you into a dolphin instead, sending you back to your father.

* * *

I will deny I ever said this, of course, but the gods need heroes. They always have. Otherwise we would not keep you annoying little brats around."

I feel so wanted. Thanks.

* * *

Did someone just call me the **wine dude**?" he asked in a lazy drawl. "It's Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don't-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.

* * *

The god of wine looked around at the assembled crowd. "Miss me?"

The satyrs fell over themselves nodding and bowing. "Oh, yes, very much, sire!"

"Well, I did not miss this place!" Dionysus snapped. "I bear bad news, my friends. Evil news. The minor gods are changing sides. Morpheus has gone over to the enemy. Hecate, Janus, and Nemesis, as well. Zeus knows how many more."

Thunder rumbled in the distance.

"Strike that," Dionysus said. "Even **Zeus** doesn't know.

* * *

You do know how to play pinochle?" Mr. D eyed me suspiciously.

"I'm afraid not," I said.

"I'm afraid not, sir," he said.

"Well," he told me, "it is, along with gladiator fighting and Pac-Man, one of the greatest games ever invented by humans. I would expect all civilized young men to know the rules.

* * *

But remember, boy, that a kind act can sometimes be as powerful as a sword. As a mortal, I was never a great fighter or athlete or poet. I only made wine. The people in my village laughed at me. They said I would never amount to anything. Look at me now. Sometimes small things can become very large indeed.

* * *

"Wait a minute! You called me by my proper name!"

"I most certainly did not Percival Johnson."


	6. Chapter 6 General characters

**Quotes from general characters.**

I'll show them 'love is worthless,'" Silena Beauregard grumbled as she strapped on her armor. "I'll pulverize them!

* * *

Fascinating," he said. "Such maneuverability! How does the wingspan compensate for the weight of the horse's body, I wonder?"

Blackjack cocked his head. **Whaaaat?**

* * *

Well," said Apollo with a brave smile. "You were right, my dear. You had everything under control! Let's go see if we boiled anyone important, shall we?

* * *

Why won't you drown?" he wailed, pummeling me with his fists.

"I'm Poseidon's son," I said.

"Curse that upstart! I was here first!

* * *

Hey Grover! Thorn's kidnapping us! He's a poisonous spike-throwing maniac! Help!

* * *

There," Zoë suggested."By the Embarcadero Building."

"Good thinking," Chuck said. "Me and Hank can blend in with the pigeons."

We all looked at him.

"Kidding," he said. "Sheesh, can't a statues have a sense of humor?

* * *

There is always a way out for those who are clever enough to find it.

* * *

I do not know how much they see through the Mist. I doubt it would matter to them if they knew the truth. Sometimes mortals can be more horrible than monsters.

* * *

Percy pointed his slice of pizza at Jason. "You, sir, are a ray of sunshine."

* * *

Percy was eating a huge stack of blue pancakes ( what was his deal with blue food?) while Annabeth chided him for pouring too much syrup. "You're drowning them!" she complained. "Hey, I'm a Poseidon kid," he said. "I can't drown. And neither can my pancakes."

* * *

If at first you don't succeed, get rid of all the evidence of your failure

-The stolls

* * *

Love conquers all," Aphrodite promised. "Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?"

"Didn't they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?"

"Pfft. That's not the point. Follow your heart.

* * *

In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.

* * *

You're a stalker with hooves."

"I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.

* * *

Do you always try to kill people when they blow their nose?

* * *

Artemis must be present at the solstice," Zoe said. "She has been the most vocal on the council, arguing for taking action against Kronos's minions. If she is not there, the gods will decide nothing. We will lose another year of war preparations."

Are you sugesting the gods have trouble acting together, young lady?" Dionysis asked.

Yes, Lord Dionysis."

Mr.D nodded. "Just checking. Your right, of course. Carry on.

* * *

There!" Apollo pointed. "Long Island, dead ahead. Let's slow down, dear. 'Dead' is only an expression

* * *

Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."

Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"

Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"

"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french

fries."

Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."

Maybe it was the fact that we were so tired and strung out emotionally, but I started

cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at us. "I do not

understand."

"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.

"And…" Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam T-shirt."

I busted up, and I probably would've kept laughing all day, but then I heard a noise:

"Moooo."

The smile melted off my face. I wondered if the noise was just in my head, but Grover

had stopped laughing too. He was looking around, confused. "Did I just hear a cow?"

"A dam cow?" Thalia laughed.

* * *

If there were ever any half-bloods who needed to worry about that, it

was Thalia and me. I wondered if maybe I should've sent Poseidon that seashell pattern tie

for Father's Day after all.

-Percy Jackson

* * *

Percy's thoughts: I don't recommend shadow travel if your scared of:

A) The dark

B) Cold shivers up your spine

C) Strange noises

D) Going so fast you feel like your is peeling off

In other words I thought it was awesome

* * *

I tried explaining to Blackjack that taking a flying horse to a donut shop would give every cop in there a heart attack, but he didn't seem to get it.

* * *

It's cool. No sword. See? No sword. Calm thoughts. Sea grass. Mama cows. Vegetarianism.

* * *

You Titans are about as bright as my gym socks

* * *

I didn't know exactly when cars were invented, but I figured that was like prehistoric times—back when people watched black-and-white TV and hunted dinosaurs.


	7. Chapter 7 RED

**RED**

 **Sorry guys, this was all that I could remember and find for her. I know it is short and I will continue looking. Also, you guys have until a random time tomorrow to review and make a decision. I am thinking about bringing in a character or two from other series in one of my stories(not telling you which one). They will make an appearance for a chapter or two. AND THAT WILL BE ALL.**

I nodded, looking at Rachel with respect. "You hit the Lord of the Titans in the eye with a blue plastic hairbrush.

* * *

Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?

Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?

Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.

* * *

Percy," Apollo said, "I wouldn't worry too much. The last Great Prophecy about you took almost seventy years to complete. This one may not even happen in your lifetime."

I thought about the lines Rachel had spoken in that creepy voice: about storm and fire and the Doors of Death. "Maybe," I said, "but it didn't sound so good."

"No," said Apollo cheerfully. "It certainly didn't. She's going to make a wonderful Oracle!

* * *

But who are you?"

Percy—" I started to say. Then the skeletons turned around. "Gotta go!"

What kind of name is Percy Gotta-go?

* * *

Do you always try to kill people when they blow their nose?

* * *

Chiron, I don't think the attic is the proper place for our new Oracle, do you?"

"No, indeed." Chiron looked a lot better now that Apollo had worked some medical magic on him. "Rachel may use a guest room in the Big House for now, until we give the matter more thought."

"I'm thinking a cave in the hills," Apollo mused. "With torches and a big purple curtain over the entrance . . . really mysterious. But inside, a totally decked-out pad with a game room and one of those home theater systems.

* * *

I stared at her. Maybe I wasn't the brightest guy in the world when it came to girls, but I was pretty sure Rachel had just dumped me, which was lame considering we'd never even been together.

* * *

We found Rachel Dare in front of the Marriot Marquis, and she was painted completely gold. I mean her face, her hair, her clothes- everything. She looked like she had been touched by king Midas.


End file.
